In early June, I sat with a friend at a table on the outdoor terrace restaurant and drank coffee.
We talked about men. My friend was in a crisis in her life, her husband had left her to join a monastery.
The night before he took everything from her and left.
A few days later she was in shock, but later he sent a message to her through a friend that he was at the monastery. She told me that she was going to divorce him.
I had been trying to tell her that family life is hard work for two people and she might reconsider before making a hasty decision.
But she revealed to me that this was not the first time this had happened. It had only been two years before, he also left her and joined the monastery for 8 months.
Then he returned to her on his knees begging for forgiveness and promised her that he would never do it again. She allowed him to return.
After he returned They took a loan to buy a new car now she has to pay the loan off herself.
The most interesting is that her husband still continued to send her an e-mail message that he still loves her but when she questioned him to help pay for the car, he did not answer.
I heard about her misfortunes and was completely lost for words and had no advice to give.
She told me that it is Correct to say that all men goats.I did not dare to object, although I did not share her opinion about men.
She told me that she only knew 2 men in her life that were normal, one was her father and the other was Vova, my late husband.
I did not comment and just waved my hand for her to stop. My husband died tragically, and there is a big difference about what our friends think and how things really are.
After noticing the expression in my eyes she said "Ok, enough about me, How are you?"
I told her that I also was in a stage of frustration. With the death of my husband was a little over a year prior. I have long been in a serious condition, I had lost a lot of weight and had not been sleeping at night,
I was saved only by the antidepressants. I thought that the antidepressant - this is a great invention of mankind.
As time passed, I gradually came to my senses and realized it was necessary to continue to live in spite of everything. And of course, I had to arrange my personal life. Now I began to tell my friend: "You know, I know a lot of men and if I call them they will do anything I ask. I think they are generally good but there does not seem to be one that I want to stay with."
She asked me "Why don't you like them?"
I told her that I did not know how to explain. All of them seemed to be boring. All seem to be the same. I even think that all the words that they say to me, I've heard many times.
I have experienced a quiet family life and already have children. I wanted something new, unusual utopic emotions that I have not yet experienced.
My friend looked at me with an ironic eye, she could not understand me. Prior to this marriage, she had a civil marriage with a musician friend of my husband. He also seemed to be a good Man.
He was a very talented musician. when he picked up the guitar and touched the strings, it seemed to the whole world disappears, and I could listen to his music all my life.
But to live with him was impossible. He had no sense of responsibility and he drank beer every day, cheated on her in their house all the time running down cranes, wall behind the walls.
He only wanted to rehearse and talk about music. Moreover, when, after beer, he sometimes passed out on vodka, and several times raised his hand to her.
According to her, all her previous relationships were almost the same.
So the word about the "goats" were not unfounded. She is 38 years old and has no children and she is very upset about it. And then collapsed again next hope.
Her current husband does not drink or smoke, on Sundays go to church, they did a very good remodel, changed the furniture in the house and dreamed about the children. And then he suddenly went into a monastery!
I on the contrary, after all that has happened. I knew how fast it pulls a quiet routine life when you live as if tethered chain, every day you walk around and do the same things.
I tried to explain to my friend that I had good husbands, they were wonderful people, but I just did not love them. I chose them for their head and not their heart. Every time I married, I married for convenience and to solve problems in my life.
First, I chose my husband because I have had in this period serious psychological problems. I survived the attempted rape when I was 18 years old. And I needed a man who would put me to the core. As soon as I met a man I married him.
Then after five years of marriage, I realized that I did not love him and I suddenly met Vova and walked away from my first husband. I knew a man such as Vova was impossible to pass up. But he suddenly retired to a monastery (so to speak)!
I laughed with my girlfriend and said.
"The second time I had my stability and solutions of domestic problems. And in Vova was found no weaknesses, he was very serious, responsible, but it also did not save our marriage from conflict."
"You know ... Now I want to fall in love, otherwise it will never happen. I want to fall in love, so that my head was not thinking and evaluating, as before."
"Let it be a bum, It is all or nothing. It must be love most of all, I want to make the roof completely blown me ..."
"You understand me, you know, as I wistfully."
"And around here all men are the same. I'm tired."
My friend told me "Oh, Anna ... You Have played your childhood in the ass I guess. Register on the site, I liked it. At least it will expand the perimeters of your search."
And finally distracted from sad thoughts. I now have help and at the same time raises self-esteem.
She said "You look up the website www.Badoo.comand you will see."
Part 2:
Of course, I had forgotten completely about dating. I asked myself, "Is this normal - to get acquainted through the Internet?" Of course not, I thought to myself, online dating is only for losers... I am better than that. I will meet the man of my dreams right around the corner, if I only give it time.In July we held a birthday party for my daughter. After a hearty lunch, my happy daughter and a bunch of her friends ran into the yard to play. Left in peace, my friend and spent some time drinking coffee. My friend's name is Larissa. She was my step-father's niece and is the god mother of my son. Despite our age difference of 12 years, we are very close friends and I always talk with her. When my husband passed away, she was always there to give me invaluable support.
I told her "I will be leaving soon".
"Where are you going?", she asked.
"The children want to stay in the village for a while"
She responded and said, "You are going to the village with the children again?" Why? Leave your children for a few days with your mother and go somewhere. Your children are older now and you don't need to watch over them all the time anymore."
I answered and said "Well, I don't think I spend enough time with them. I am at work most of the time.
She responded, "What makes you say that, You have spent the whole year with them, giving no time to yourself. Anna, You spend your whole life around your children. The children will grow up before you know it and you will be left on your own"
I must say that this is always her favorite topic of conversation. She is constantly asking me to spend more attention to my personal life. Every time she calls me, she asked sternly, when am I going to meet someone.
"What are you waiting for" She always asks me. "Time is running out. Time is relentless toward women. Look at me, when men see me they don't even notice and look for another woman. You still look good, you are beautiful wherever you go. You are 38 years old but people will believe you if you told them you are 25. I would go with your appearance, everyone who looks like you would be easily dragged into a bed."
"I do not like any of them and that is the whole point", I told her.
Of course, the thought of approaching old age always haunts me . Especially working in the place I do, surrounded continuously by young women, with a smooth face and slender figures. I begin to fear that my time has passed. Now wrinkles begin to appear and I have gained excess weight from a slower metabolism and cannot return to the figure of my youth.
We went out into the street. Larissa began to talk about her valiant youth. In her youth she sang in the Expensive restaurants.
She proceeded to tell me "I have never had just one boyfriend, I've always had a few, with two men at once, and then with three ... And then I would get out, to whom on what day will appoint a date that they would not crossed. I've never been a beauty, but the men back away from any beauties. And if someone started right at me present, I would say, "What do you think you are? You're a pack of 13, 96 in a row will be. " Anya, I do not now the most believe that I did get up. That now I'm sitting still, since I met Sergei " said Larissa.
She had told me many stories in the evening, but I think that the reader does not need detailed descriptions of her adventures. When we finished our conversation, I realized that her youth is very different from mine.
I've always been a very restrained and cautious, and always too worried about my reputation, although it did not prevent the people from inventing stories about me.
I could not imagine that you can get drunk so that the next morning you do not understand who it is next to you naked in bed. Yes it appears that in old age I have nothing to remember ...
And I'm really such a right? From home to work, work quickly back to the children - to cook in the weekend village - watering tomatoes. And so will all my life. I went on a busy street. On the open terrace of a restaurant several sat several happy couples, they laughed. By the front door a car drove up, and a man and woman exited and also went into the
restaurant. I suddenly felt that I was very sad. All, I decided that it can not go on, and I'm changing my life.
A few days later I was sent congratulatory letters attributed to the superior of our organization.
They Always sent me, because they knew that the leader loves when I bring a letter.
He always asked me if I need help, and proposed to solve my every problem. And of course, he always asked me to meet in the evening and sit in the restaurant.
His secretary whispered to me every time: "Anya, these type of men you do not want to ignore ..." This time I took a deep breath, and laughed in agreement. It wouldn't hurt to flirt with him a little. So what if he was 52 years old and I did not like him. I was determined to cast him aside and find another.
For three days before the meeting, I persuaded myself that I will be fine. He was really very nice, and of course, he would help solve a lot of my problems. The night before our date, my heart felt like clawing cats. I could not sleep and decided to do meditation.
It's always helped me recover. Also, when I was a state of total relaxation and deep, I sometimes get answers to the questions that I could not find in my normal state.
I lit two small candles. I saw the fire through closed eyelids, it helped me to stop running thoughts in my head. Gradually my head began to clear, I relaxed and sank into myself. Then came a state of complete peace and tranquility. I'm deeply held in this state, dissolving in space and outer space. I began to call the images in my head as I put on a dress and go to a restaurant ... I'm sitting at the table, shake my shoe on the foot and laugh ... Well, then we will probably go to his home ...
To be continued...
Click here to read her story in her native language.
